Like really though. I wonder what my next step is and my mind goes in at least three directions. I can be or do anything I want, and here I am overwhelmed with opportunities.

The world promises exciting adventures, and part me of longs to be home, to be within a few hours drive of my family, and to wander the streets I’ve told so many stories about. Part of me is telling my soul to take a rest from the excitement that is my life.

Working vacations call my name, but as I glance to the mountain view of my apartment, I wonder if it’s worth the trip. If it’s worth the plane tickets and the homesickness and uprooting all the seeds I’ve only just begun to nurture in Vancouver.

I never expected to connect with people like I do here. I never expected to miss my family this much. I never expected to have year where I was so single, making so little money, and feel so happy. But that’s life, right? That’s usually how it rolls.

There’s usually a period of time that you spend thinking about what’s next, striving for a really exciting status update, or something to phone home about. I find for me it’s usually during those pockets of time that when people ask me what’s new, I have nothing much to say. And then all of a sudden, something hits – an idea, a person, an epiphany – and your world’s changed.

I’m waiting for my lightning bolt. More accurately, I’m waiting on a clear sense of direction guided by my inner voice. I’m trying not to future pace myself by envisioning all of the “coulds” or being weighed down by the “shoulds”. When life gives you a blank slate, how do you choose which colour to draw with first?

My dad has always said to travel while I’m young.  I get it, and I want to, but there’s some strange instinctual desire inside of me to nest. Part of nesting is being with family in a community you care about, and creating a home you look forward to being in. And to be honest, traveling seems a little lonely after having created some solid soul connections and a community to nest in.

Now to find someone to fly the coop with… that’s a different story. I’m ready for that. Anyone else?

That’s kind of how I felt moving to Vancouver. Everything was new, but I had lots of knowledge and experience in my back pocket. Upon some reflecting I did the other day, I realized I’ve had more firsts this year than I thought.

This last year, it was my first time…

Santa Monica

…Living on my own

…Moving homes, period

…Being genuinely single

…Asking for help, and asking for what I need. I’ve broken through a lot of personal walls this year, allowing myself to be vulnerable and ask for help when I need it (by the way, it’s effing scary)

…Flying first class

…Going to Calgary

…Letting my body and mind have a break from my rigorous gym routine since I was 16

…In California

…Climbing a mountain

…Swimming in the Pacific ocean

Top of Grouse Mountain

…Participating in a personal development program (“People who don’t work on themselves are just fucking selfish”)

It’s been a year since I left my parents basement to reside on the glorious fifteenth floor, and Vancouver has certainly taken me on a whirlwind romance ever since I touched down. My most recent trip back home was much like seeing an old love. I forgot how much I love it there. I have to wonder if I left too soon. I remembered why I left, but oh, was I ever shown how I could stay. And why I’d want to go back. Much like rehashing an old relationship, I have to consider what needs to change before I can make that choice. Much like rehashing an old relationship, sometimes all it needs is time.

I’m nowhere near close to putting on my graduation cap when it comes to closing this chapter of my life. But I most definitely have a new set of skills to maneuver living out my sophomore year in Vancouver. Happy Vanniversary, class.

PS: Here's what I learned on my six month!

I realized that I place a large amount of value on how I look. On how my shorts fit. On how long I run for. On how much I sweat that day. These feelings in some way validate how good I feel about myself. I realized that for a long time, I’ve never felt good enough for myself. I look back at pictures even from just a few months ago and I analyze how I looked then compared to how I think I look now.

I look back at pictures of myself from four years ago and wonder how I ever thought I had to lose weight. Where did this complex come from? Seriously, it’s fucked up.

I know a lot of amazing women in my life have come forward to say they relate to my original post. It makes me really sad. I know that in comparison, I look at men and don’t really care how chiseled they are. Sure it’s a great view and a bonus (and a passion for fitness and health is definitely important to me), but I feel it’s more important that they support me, care about me and my values, can keep up with me mentally and make me laugh regularly. Maybe that’s just my own preference though.

I’m ready to get back in the gym and on the running trails. My body is yearning for a good workout that I’ll feel the next day. 

:: But now I have to ask myself, is it really my body wanting that workout, or is it my self-destructive ego wanting validation?

Right now they’re closely tied. This time off has taught me that yoga makes me feel connected, and that running can give me the illusion of connection if I don’t listen to what my body actually needs (as I learned via my ankle). At the same time, I’ve learned that the physical exhilaration I get from a workout is crucial to my mental well-being. My fiery astrological make up thrives on it.

So the consensus? Definitely to wake up earlier so I can fully enjoy lounging around before getting out of bed. I really liked that part. Keep working out, but listen to my body when it needs a time out. Do more yoga. And to respect, not torture, my body. 

So now that my body is making every step a little bit uncomfortable, I’ve decided to surrender to its whims of shorter walks and restorative classes, no matter how powerful I feel slowly lowering into chaturanga. This isn't a period of power or gaining strength. 

On a more positive note, I'm really enjoying my mornings without the lingering pressure of getting to the gym ASAP. Again, having to surrender (this time to the schedule of a yoga studio) allows me to be more yin, more feminine and gentle.

This sabbatical is proving to be a harder workout for my brain than I imagined. Sometimes I find that training so consistantly has me tune out. Tune out the noise in my head. Tune out my body's signals to rest. Tune out the real image I see in the mirror, in favour of longing for the contours of someone's air-brushed body. 

Four days in, ten to go! Happy Monday folks.

My health and fitness history has been a rollercoaster. Growing up I was never more than a size 2, and I had some serious body dysmorphia (and if I’m being honest, I still do – but it’s not nearly what it used to be). It led me to take some pretty crazy actions towards what I thought was a “perfect body”. I think it started in middle school. I was never officially "diagnosed" with it, but after learning the meaning several years ago I immediately resonated with it.  Body dysmorphia is

A mental illness wherein the affected person is exclusively concerned with body image, manifested as excessive concern about and preoccupation with the perceived defect of their physical features.  The person complains of a defect in either one feature or several features of their body; or vaguely complains about their general appearance.”  

You can read more about it here . That’s just a small slice of my body image story pie, which perhaps I’ll share more fully with you in the future!

But for now, let’s just say that I’ve been pushing myself physically and mentally for quite some time. With websites like Tone It Up and BodyRock, working in the fitness industry, and going to school for nutrition, I pushed myself to keep going-going-going until I looked like Zuzana or Katrina. Well, that hasn’t really happened. I’ve made some great achievements and I’m extremely proud of how far I’ve come. However, as I take closer stock of my emotions and self-perception lately, I think I could use a time out on this butt-kicking stuff.

:: I can already sense that by day one I’ll want to wrap myself up in TRX bands and say this was a mistake.

My plan of passive, non-attack pretty much comes down to yoga. I live in a city where you blink and there’s a new studio you’ve never noticed down the street (plus, introduction packages are usually really cheap). Whenever I leave yoga I feel stable in all ways. The meals I eat and choices I make after class are very sattvic (an Ayurvedic term used to describe foods that are nourishing, light, and balancing). I’m running a 5K next month, so I’ll probably be running on some days as well, but only when I really feel I have the energy and willingness to do so. If I run, it will be for the sheer pleasure of enjoying the scenery. Running has a similar effect on me as yoga. Also, I’m afraid if I don’t run right now I’ll miss the sunshine currently over Vancouver.

You’ll be able to find me at yin, restorative, and anusara classes. Maybe I’ll throw in some hot classes, maybe not. I may come out of this ready and raring to get back on the gym floor, but even if I don’t, my intention is to honour my body and give it some rest. The message of my yoga class yesterday was that at the core of yoga, we practice these asanas (postures) to remember that we already have bliss and self-realization inside of us. It may take longer than two weeks for me to remember this, but I’m willing to wait and find out.

Namaste.

“Did you know the World Health Organization deemed radiation from cellphones “potentially carcinogenic“?  So, despite your best efforts to stay away from BBQ and free radicals in general, it looks like all those oh so important biz calls you take on your cell phone could be feeding the cancer-causing radiation straight into you ol’ brain. What kind of deal is that?”

A crappy one indeed, Ms Telpner! Loving this contest idea, I’m on my phone all the time. It’s kind of a problem. Fingers and toesies crossed I win

Linkage: http://meghantelpnerblog.com/2012/06/07/ill-have-an-order-of-chitchat-hold-the-brain-cancer

Coconut Cashew Cream

1 cup cashews, soaked in water for at least two hours

1/4 cup full fat coconut milk

2 tbsp water

1/2 tsp vanilla

1-2 tbsp maple syrup, honey, brown rice syrup, or clear raw agave

Pinch of sea salt

Directions

1. Place soaked cashews in food processor or high-powered blender with coconut milk. Blend until smooth, adding water as needed.
2. Add in vanilla, sweetener, and salt to taste.

Use as a topping on fruit, pancakes, waffles, or to thicken smoothies and pudding… or be creative and use it anywhere you want

Strawberry Shortkale Smoothie 

(See what I did there? Like strawberry shortcake? But with kale?)

2 handfuls of frozen strawberries

1/2 frozen banana

1 large handful of spinach

2 stalks kale

1/2 cup almond milk

1/2 cup coconut water

1 tbsp hemp seeds

1 scoop vanilla Sunwarrior protein powder

Blend up all that sheeeit and driiiiiiink it!

And then I get in the kitchen and just fucking do it.

So here's my take on vegan French toast. Enjoy.

Ingredients

¾ cup almond milk (or any non-dairy beverage)

2 tbsp brown rice flour or vanilla Sunwarrior protein powder

2 tbsp ground flax (or chia)

2 tbsp orange juice

1.5 tsp Xyla xylitol (or sucanat, coconut sugar)

Hearty dash of cinnamon

1 tbsp coconut oil

5 slices gluten-free bread (I used Food For Life brown rice slices)

Toppings: coconut butter, powdered stevia, cinnamon, maple syrup

Directions

1. Mix together all ingredients (except bread and oil) and let sit for 5ish minutes (to allow the flax to gelatinize and thicken the mixture).
2. Heat pan on medium level, add oil.
3. Soak each slice in cinnamon mixture and cook each side until golden brown.
4. Top with extra cinnamon, powdered stevia, coconut butter and maple.  Serve with a side of oranges and John Mayer.

Ingredients

2 small sweet potatoes, peeled and steamed

1/4 cup brown rice or quinoa flour (or even protein powder could work)

1 tbsp coconut oil, plus extra for greasing

1/4-1/2 tsp cinnamon

1/2 tsp vanilla

1/4 tsp baking soda

Pinch sea salt

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350F. Grease a ramekin or small dish with coconut oil.
2. Steam sweet potatoes and mash by hand or toss 'em in the food processor.
3. Add flour and mix or process with the sweet potato. Add in the rest of the ingredients and mix.
4. Scoop mixture into your ramekin and bake for 20 minutes. Allow to cool and enjoy. Bonus: stick a square of dark chocolate into the middle of the cake when you pull it out and let it melt. Yummm.